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Wednesday, February 16th, 2011
10:26 am - Yes I'm an asshole... but I probably could make up a good excuse...
Ok so well yeah
I've been ignoring this space for too long
but I've been keeping my head down
getting my ass through training
and spending time with my lovely lass

but I'm sitting here
in our new apartment
waiting for the tech to come install my internet service
and I thought I'd take the chance to update yall.

Where to begin

Well to set you at ease, I'm still charming, brilliant and damn good looking
I'm getting life set up nicely here

I've got a fun little Suzuki GS500E motorcycle
A gorgeous, sexy and funny as hell Argentinian girlfriend

Add to this our new penthouse apartment
in the tallest building in our city
[not to mention I negotiated the lease down to $1 a sq ft]
[cause I rock and you can't out jew this jew]

and yeah

It is pretty damn awesome to be the king.

so I'm feeling like
the decision to move to Israel was a damn good one
while nothing perfect
life here is feeling pretty damn close

We cleaned the apartment yesterday
and this afternoon we start moving in
and tomorrow we will begin the process of christening the apartment
by having sex on each of the six balconies

it is after all a moral imperative.

I hope you are all well
and as I've been way behind on my ellejay reading
it would be awesome if you commented with
a brief (or not so brief as it suits you) note
giving me an update on any important news in your lives
that I might have missed.

love you
love me
your plural

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Tuesday, August 31st, 2010
2:44 pm - Wheels
Picked up my new to me motorcycle on Sunday
makes for a happy plural

got a 98 Suzuki GS500E
and am pretty happy with it
although from time to time
I do miss the duc's sheer oomph

took the lass out for a pleasure cruise
to the beach on sunday
went out on my own last night
for a leisurely spin around town

came back
grinning from ear to ear

it is damn nice
to have a bike again

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Monday, August 30th, 2010
2:40 pm - The Lass
Still working on the post production from the shoot
but I thought I'd post a few more shots

moreCollapse )

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Sunday, August 29th, 2010
6:56 am - Dastardly deeds done for reasonable prices
Where to begin
so I've gotten over the late unpleasantness
of being sick
although I've still a few days of antibiotics to take
but I was well enough on Thursday night
that Friday's plan was a go

but before I go any further
allow me to interject this photo
I took advantage of her affection for me
as I'm want to do with women
and made her model for me in the park

I got lots of good shots
but before I even finished looking them over
this one required my attention
so I'll share it with you now
as I simply adore it

The LassCollapse )

the public plan
was that I'd cook dinner for the group
and we'd eat and then drink and dance
and generally hang out in the park

a smashing good idea if you ask me
and since the lass had volunteered me to do the cooking
it was a good thing I was feeling better


as you well know
I'm never quite satisfied with public plans
I need my sport, my little diversions and plots


I gathered my minions
[my friend J and his girlfriend]
[the latter who happens to be the lasses flatmate]
laid out my devious plan
and set the pieces in motion

a simple plan really
while we were drinking and dancing
my minions would transform her bedroom [gently]
into a place of sensuality

I spent Friday morning
cackling with wicked glee
as I went about my errands

I bought scented candles
almond massage oil
a perfect bar of chocolate
some small roses of two colors for the petals
and two perfect red roses

of course, surprises are never much fun
if the intended target is truly surprised
I far prefer to tease and titillate
hint and misdirect
for then you get the added bonus of anticipation
and suspense

she was texting me
throughout the morning
from the local library
[chicks who hang out in libraries are soooo hot]
hoping to squeeze some concession
some fragment or if possible the entirety
of exactly what I was up to from me

I was having none of it
it did provide an opportunity
to mess with her a bit
on my way home
so I headed that way
a single rose tucked up my sleeve
literally in this case

she called and said she was heading to the grocery store
so I changed course and intercepted her
in the canned goods aisle instead

smiled, said hello
kissed her
let the rose fall from my sleeve into my waiting hand
brought it up behind her
and as I pulled back from the kiss
and brushed it against her cheek

"Something for you to hold in your teeth when we dance tonight"

I smiled my patented #62 devilish grin
allowed her to thank me with another kiss
excused myself saying

"I must be off, I still have more mischief to do"

and slipped away.

I provided my minions
with the necessary materials
and instructions

slipped off to pick up my laundry
I know
sorry to bore you with such mundane tasks
but it is good for the king
to remain a little grounded

then met the lass for a light lunch
and headed off together to shop for dinner

she kept inquiring about my plots
but I responded only with kisses

we rested a bit in the afternoon
a cuddle here
a snuggle there
a dance or three
and plenty of kisses for me

then we started cooking
we took turns doing the prep work
I was making a simple meal

pasta with a light and fresh herb Alfredo sauce
and a lovely assortment of sauteed vegetables.

once the prep work was done
and the pasta draining
I set about preparing the vegetables
and the sauce
she lamented that she had forgotten her camera
I pulled out mine
gave her a quick tour of the basics
and set her loose

the king cooked
Sinatra sang
and the lass danced around
popping off the flash to her hearts content

we sat down for dinner
I conducted the meal
as a traditional sabbath meal
with hymns and blessings

afterward we relaxed for a bit
talked and listened to music
before gathering ourselves
not to mention
two bottles of vodka
the appropriate mixers
a bucket of ice

to head down to the park

we took up what is now
my usual station
turned on the tunes
poured the drinks
hooked up the nagila [hookah]
filled it with melon flavored sheesha
taking a page from C&C Music factory
got this party started right

it was great fun
I'd tell you all about it in more detail
but it was pretty much simply a delightful repeat
of the previous Friday night
only now with more and varied people
so yay

around 1 am
we decided to take it inside
my friend J
who lives across the hall from me
has a nice lounge area in his apartment
which he recently set up
and was desperate to entertain in
so the group of us
were happy to indulge him

it good fun
but around 2 am
I was getting impatient
I had plots to carry out
and I wasn't going to have them spoiled
by her falling asleep because we stayed out too late

with a suggestive wink
I asked her if she was ready to go home
she smiled and nodded knowingly
we said our goodbyes

walked over to her building
[literally the next building over from mine]
up the stairs
and as we walked into her apartment
I stopped her

close your eyes
wait right here

NC-17 after the jump *wink*Collapse )

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Wednesday, August 25th, 2010
8:25 pm - Apparently a fever was the least of my worries
went to the doctor this morning
I have acute tonsillitis
hurt like the dickens
got a heavy course of antibiotics
some pain killers
and another box of popsicles.

spent the day resting
and while it is still no fun
I am feeling markedly improved.

I suppose
in a more sane rational world
I would have gone to the doctor sooner
or at the very least
spent the majority of the last few days resting

romance waits for no man
I was having entirely too much fun.

last night
we went for a walk
ended up sitting
in a nearby park
and dangling our feet in the waters
of a cool fountain

nuzzling and listening to some jazz on my iphone
while finishing off the last of the popsicles
I had bought on friday

around midnight
she invited me back to her place


the vision of her naked body
draped in light and shadow
a canvas laid out for my kisses

furtive desperate nakedness
touching teasing caressing

twas worth
every moment of pain and discomfort
that the next few days
will surely bring

so it remains
the juice is worth the squeeze.

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Saturday, August 21st, 2010
9:35 am - Hot Diggity Hot Damn
I really owe yall a post
between this one and the last
and I'd gotten it about halfway written

typical bloody me
I went and made the entire thing moot

so to move past it rapidly
decided to do the right thing
and back way off the other lass

went out with the boys
to get drunk and clear my head
had one hell of a weekend
so I decided
twas time to balance it with
some more mellow time

met a new neighbor
a lovely lass from Argentina
and as I'm sort of the unofficial welcoming committee
I invited her to join the sabbath dinner I was planning

I made "Eggplant Ricotta"
a dish perhaps of my own invention
which consists of three thinly sliced layers
of lightly breaded eggplant
with a tasty herb ricotta mixture between them
then draped with mozzarella cheese
garnished with half a cherry tomato
and sprinkled with porcini mushrooms

I plated this in the center of the plate
surrounded it with farfalle pasta (bowties)
which I draped in my white wine cherry tomato sauce

It was simply exquisite.

I starting cooking around 4pm
dinner was served around 9
was completed with
I bet you can guess
strawberry sorbet popsicles

the four of us
[myself, the Argentinian lass, a German lass and an American lad]
then proceed to pack up several bottles of wine
[a lovely Argentinian pinot grigio I'd picked up a case of]
my awesome little speaker set for my iPhone
head down to the park for some dancing

We were joined by some other neighbors
and random folks in the neighborhood
someone brought out a hookah
with lemon sheesha

the Argentinian lass, we'll call her S
could dance
and so we did

as much as I enjoy teaching others to dance
in my random impromptu sessions
[should not be mistaken for actual lessons]
[as they're more about having fun that perfect steps]
having a graceful woman in my arms
to flick this way and that
with the lightest of signals
was a rush I had quite missed.

I think we may have been in the park
for all of two songs
when I could resist no longer
one hand already in the small of her back
[as is common while dancing]
I pulled her even closer to me
lifted her chin
leaned in about three quarters of the way
and whispered

come here you

and she did
and it was good

more than good

so we spent the next five
almost six hours
dancing swing salsa samba foho and blues
[my skill at each of the above may vary]
with frequent breaks
for kissing and nuzzling

actually that isn't entirely true
after about one am
everyone else went home to bed
our tango became far more
horizontal in nature
as we lay on the grass
and made out like crazy

it was torture
pure divine torture
we kissed and touched and teased and licked and nibbled and bit
bending and breaking and retreating again back within
appropriate behavior for a public and well lit park

from time to time
people would walk by
sometimes we'd notice
sometimes we'd not

and finally around 4am
we parted
having entirely too much fun
in this stage to rush it

we're having dinner tonight
at my favorite local place
I am
most looking forward to it.

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Thursday, August 5th, 2010
10:22 am - making an ass of yourself for fun and profit
dinner last night
was incredible

If I wasn't already pretty sure I was in trouble
last night convinced me

she tried to convince me to go to turkey with her next week
which in my mind appears like more of a come on
that I got the feeling she was thinking it was

unfortunately it simply isn't a option on such short notice
as I have to get permission from the government to leave the country
and while I haven't a clue how that process works
I doubt I could make it work that quickly.

she is going out clubbing with me and my crew tonight
if the right moment arrives
I'm thinking of laying it out on the line
not a perfect moment mind you
just need one where we've established a connection
so it isn't coming entirely out of left field

I saw her briefly this morning
damn she turns me on
but the encounter
reminded me that I'm up against long odds

apparently her boyfriend
set up a webcam
so she could watch
her doggie in the states
and she was cooing

it made me feel like cackling

I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too...

I've generally found that wooing a woman is easy
even with competition from another man
but a puppy
that requires world series of poker level game

but fuck it
I'll bring my A game
if it works awesome
if it falls on its face
so be it
at least I put it out there

as the great and wise budhaboy is fond of saying

don't let nothing but fear stop you.

and to me
not even that will suffice.

I'm going to roll the dice
that the odds aren't in my favor
just makes it all the more exciting

to put it in poker terms

fuck the cards, fuck the odds

I'm all-in blind

because the juice is worth the squeeze

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Wednesday, August 4th, 2010
8:25 pm - Update - She called and I choked
Actually no,
it was worse
I didn't choke so much
As play it completely wrong

we chatted briefly
she's on the bus back from work
she asked what I was doing
I said cooking dinner
care to come over and eat?

she said no
mentioned that she had a report to write tonight
I realized I had completely overplayed my hand
and backed off

reached into that special reserve of charm
I save for getting me out of potentially awkward situations
and we hung up

I stood there
phone in my hang
shaking my head
and kicking myself


even if she was single
playing it back to back nights like that
it too quick

and worse
you know it idiot
this isn't your first time at the rodeo
after all

but no
you had to get carried away

with a single gal
or even a married one
you can sweep them away
into a moment
if you like

pull up the petals
of a white lily around you
enclosing you both
in an enclave of energy
and shape the world as you will

it is easy
it is fun
it is sensual
it is intimate
it is a wild ride

but jackass
that aint what you're doing here
and even if it was
that phone call wasn't how you do it

if you want something other
than a cheap tawdry delicious and divine affair with her
you can't even hint of
playing that game


I am not a man of low self regard
but at that moment
I was utterly unimpressed

I filled a pot of water
set it on to boil
set about setting up my iphone
to play some swing music
to cheer me up
while I cooked

all of this
happened in the three minutes
since I hung up the phone

in the fourth minute
with a barely noticeable ding
it was all rendered moot.

I checked my phone
a text message

she had changed her mind
wanted to know if the invitation was still open
and apologizing for being difficult

I know

it is good to be the king.

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7:21 pm - Oops I did it again...
I think that I've been the victim of a most gruesome and personal violation.
If only I could determine who is at fault and how they pulled off.

I've been having issues with appetites lately
which honestly after the last few years of ennui
is a refreshing change

quite simply
all my appetites
have become ravenous
and insatiable

I eat a fine meal
I'm hungry twenty minutes later
if only the respite after sex
lasted as long

hell, last night
a lass smiled, laughed with shining eyes
and I popped wood


what am I 15 again?

whats next, erections when the wind changes direction?

now granted
this particular lass
I'll save her for last

let us divert
since I've been a naughty negligent plural
when it comes to updating here
[and probably in other ways as well]
[but I've never been one to disappoint]
[in that regard]
and talk first
about the rest

the other lasses
currently in my life
who currently consist of

two russian brunettes
one russian redhead
a sultry morroccan
blondes from denmark and chile
[I think that is all of them anyway]
[there was an Israeli lass]
[but I tired of her quickly]
[probably because she had so little stamina]

are all quite delicious
whether drinking, flirting or dancing
[of either the vertical or horizontal persuasion]
I enjoy them tremendously

but as delightful as they are
I'm not particularly interested

quite frankly
I suspect their only real interest
beyond my obvious gifts, talents and charm
is that I am utterly divested of real interest

these are all women
who are used to being pursued

and while I chat, flirt and smile
with my trademarked charm
they can tell I'm merely passing time
amusing myself

a social onanist
merely passing time
and practicing for the real thing

I think more than anything
they are wondering just what the hell I have
that allows me to be so cavalier
with their attentions

the answer is of course


while each is lovely
and possesses virtues and vices of her own
none strikes me as


none simply strikes me

sure I find myself
weaving in and out of their spells
it is merely
my adoration for
and enjoyment of
which enchants me

of course
I've been telling myself
over and over

avoid commitment
there isn't the time
avoid entanglement
you are too unsettled

focus on yourself
finish the training
get settled
figure out what your life
will be like
take care of yourself

as it always seems in my life
those times when I'm most interested
in avoiding women
that they're most interested in me

if that were all
I'd shrug and laugh
and let life carry me as she wills

as the title of this post implies
it isn't all
I've gone and done it again

I'm talking about her now

I first saw her
in the library
to be honest
it was her posterior
which I noticed first

an ass like Campbell's soup

mmm mmm good

my first inclination
was merely to enjoy the view
and the fates were kind enough
that the only available seat
would facilitate that inclination nicely

I hadn't sat down
for more than a minute
when she turned and engaged me in conversation

there were immediate sparks
but also
something else
I sensed

we talked for a good hour or two
it came out slowly that she not only had a boyfriend
but that they'd been dating for six years
[although he is back in the states]

whatever I told myself
I'm not looking for a relationship
just pleasant social interaction
and at most
a good wing woman

I enjoyed our chat
we exchanged numbers
on a purely social basis
and went our separate ways

a few days later
I'm waiting at the park outside my building
for a group of South Americans
who I've befriended
and who invited me to join them
on an outing to Tel Aviv
for a street festival

I arrived to the meeting point late
because well, you see
Jews are always late
South Americans are the same
but Jewish South Americans
have a double dose

With either group
I generally assume half an hour
after the agreed time is when they will show up
when you combine
it is more like an hour

being a pervasively punctual fellow
I couldn't bear to be more than half an hour late
not that it mattered
as they didn't start showing up
for another hour after that
we've got about three quarters of the group assembled
the lass walks by
we notice each other
wave and stop to chat

she is just getting home
I invite her to join us
you know
a friendly group of people
heading out for a festival

I really should remember
to bring a towel
if I'm going to be swimming
in Egyptian rivers

she agrees and in short order
we are all assembled and heading out

the night didn't go well
not between her and I mind you
it was the rest of the group
who was a pain in the ass

we found ourselves
constantly struggling to keep up
rather than getting to enjoy the festivities

so after an hour or so
we decided to split off
told the group we were heading home
and went our own way for a bit
before deciding that we were indeed tired
and heading home

My first inkling of trouble
peered through the surface of the river
like a crocodile
just two beady little eyes
easy to miss
but the surest warning one will get

on the bus back
she fell asleep on my shoulder
I didn't mind in the least
but somewhere
in the back of my mind
my subconscious was busy
playing whack a mole
with the red flags desperately attempting
to warn me of impending disaster

Over the next two or so weeks
it wasn't so much that I was avoiding her
as I was avoiding inventing a reason to call her
and one was stubbornly not offering itself up independently

I mean really
I am a grown man
I have plenty of female friends
that I'm not sleeping with
Ok, so maybe only a few
they exist
there is no reason
I can't just...

really I'm serious

why are you looking at me like that?

allow me to continue

a couple weeks go by
and circumstance finally gets around
to conspiring against me
[thank god, my patience was quite exasperated]

I am heading out for my nightly walk
and she is sitting in the park
I wave hello
she waves back
and as I approach
I notice she is on the phone

the conversation seems serious
so I start to head off
only to run into a fellow
who lives nearby and had a question

she gets off the phone
apparently due to a connection failure
[overseas calls here can do that]
and I beg out of my conversation
to say hello

while I wasn't eavesdropping
the snippets I did hear
made it clear
she had been speaking to her boyfriend

we chatted briefly
her phone rang again
I excused myself to go on my walk

and that was that
a pleasant friendly interaction
nothing more than that

when I returned
from my walk
perhaps forty five minutes later
I could hear her arguing
as I turned the corner

I do not know what they were arguing about
but I was impressed with how she went about it
[in terms of tone of voice that is]
and since I could tell the conversation was wrapping up
I kept my distance for a few minutes
until it was over.

We chatted briefly
she said she hated relationships
which given how the conversation was going
seemed a reasonable frustration
but obviously just a venting of such

what little I caught
seemed to be him accusing her of some form of neglect
and her repeatedly asking him to clarify
what it was that she hadn't done
which had upset him
to which he seemed unwilling to give any answer

she was obviously stressed
and with entirely honest and gentlemanly intentions
[yeah right]
I said

Come now, you can't go to bed all worked up like that
I've got half a bottle of white wine in the fridge
why don't you go drop your stuff in your apartment
I'll grab the wine
and we can have a glass and relax for a few minutes

she smiled, agreed and that was that

I went upstairs
took a good swig out of the bottle
chilling in the fridge
so it wouldn't make a liar out of me
grabbed two glasses and headed back down

we talked, smiled, laughed, drank and even perhaps flirted a bit
for an hour or two
then I walked her home and we said good night

the crocodile in my mind
was being far less coy
but I found myself torn

I didn't want to be the vulture
swooping in on a lass
when her relationship is in distress
and I certainly didn't want to be
the backdoor man
sneaking her affections on the sly

but unlike the rest of the local lovelies
I found her quite compelling

she is in law school and in Israel
volunteering at a social justice law non-profit
for the next few months
and looking into going to law school here instead
as she decided to she wants to live in Israel

in other words
not only a brilliant mind
but a highly trained one as well

I'll always wondered if I shouldn't date a lawyer
after all I adore the law
and probably should have become a lawyer myself
all of my family attorneys kept insisting upon it

not to mention
turn about is not only good fun
but always enjoyable

she has charm and quite simply
radiates life

my family would approve
my mother would have adored her
as I said before
am compelled

I've often joked
that love at first sight is easy
it is love at repeated sight that is difficult

but in all honesty
the former holds more true than the latter
as in every serious relationship I've ever had
it has been love/lust/compulsion at first sight

I can pretty much know within moments of meeting someone
what potential is there
and not a single relationship
with a woman who didn't sweep me off my feet immediately
has lasted more than a few months

I digress and get ahead of myself

it is merely that
I'm not sure how to proceed
but it isn't time for that question yet
let alone any answers
I should at least
give you the rest of the story first

the next afternoon
she called me up
and asked if she could come over
to "borrow" some movies
from the collection I'd mentioned
that I had on my computer

I said of course
she said she was about to eat
and would drop by later

which apparently she did
but I was in the back room
[the only room with AC]
watching a movie
and didn't hear the door.

so I guess that is my bad

but a few hours later
as I was getting ready for bed
I sent her a text
to see if she was coming over
and got no response
so I went to bed.

the next day
I was lazing about
it was past dinner time but I didn't feel like cooking
so I dawdled
and eventually dragged myself into the kitchen
only to discover
that I had almost no food
and definitely not enough
to make anything tasty enough
to overcome my aversion to cooking
at that moment.

I decided to go out to eat
grabbed my phone
to see what time it was
and noticed
she had responded to my text
from the previous night
much earlier and I had not noticed

so I sent her a text
asking if she had eaten
she said nope
that she was on the bus back from Tel Aviv
[about half an hour away]
and asked what I was thinking

I said I was thinking of eating
and would she like to join me

she asked if I was cooking in my crib or ?

my crib?
I wasn't aware I lived in Compton.

I called her and said as much
to which she laughed
and made the comment that
the buildings around here
reminded her of section 8 housing

I could only concede the point.

I said nope, I was going out
She said she was tired
I was having none of it

trust me I said, the place I have in mind
will be a refreshing change.

she protested again
about not sure she wanted to spend the money
[going out here is about twice as expensive as the states]
I smiled and said
hush, just come, let me worry about the rest
and so she did

I had about forty minutes to burn
so I popped in the shower
got dressed
and headed down
to use the wifi across the street
to make some phone calls while I waited
[I have internet in my apartment]
[but for international calls]
[I need wifi which I don't have]

I came outside
just as she was coming home
she went upstairs to drop off her bag

she came down
perhaps ten minutes later
she had also changed
and put on some make up
the lip gloss in particular
made my knees a little weak

she looked radiant
I said so
and then she started walking
in the wrong direction

you see
from where we live
everything is north of us
on the main drag in town

where we were going
it is my secret garden
I had found it several weeks before
on one of my nightly walks
it was my escape
my place to recharge
to simultaneously feel
human and divine

when I say a secret garden
I am not using hyperbole
I never would have found the place
save for fate's intervention or perhaps inspiration

I was walking down a small street
mostly houses
nothing of real interest
I walked past a dirt road
a little wider perhaps than most
slightly overgrown
and nothing in view but bushes, road and darkness

I stopped
I'm not sure why
I looked down the road and into the night

I saw nothing of interest
I heard nothing of interest
There was absolutely no reason I could find
to walk down that road
yet I knew I had to

I knew from studying the map
that it couldn't go anywhere
as the road I was on
was a boundary road
so on the south side
there were no roads going anywhere

but still I was compelled
so I shrugged
gave into my whim
and strolled down the road
I passed through the darkness
a few hundred feet later
into a small dirt parking lot
on the far side
a thicket of trees and shrubs
and there
next to a small light
overpowered by the night around it
I saw a gate
lazily lying half open

I went over and through the gate
and found myself on a stone path
surrounded by lush vegetation.

small garden lights were losing the battle to light my way
so I went forward hesitantly

a short distance ahead
the path forked
one path heading mostly straight
the second diverting to the right
it was then I heard water
moving rushing falling pooling
and several steps later
soft slow melodies
haunting the night

I went right
and found alcoves with tables and chairs
nestled along the path
after passing several of them
I realized I needed to go back
and take the other path
which I did
around the next bend
or perhaps
tree would be more appropriate
I found it
or I should say her

the hostess
this place
hidden away
was a restaurant
and around and through the restaurant
was woven a garden

I approached her hesitantly
the prodigal sun returning to his god given domain
asked if I could look around
she nodded
and I did

it was simply perfect
the dishes and drinks
on the tables looked delicious
the music lazed in the background
as to imbue you with the right mood
without your even really noticing it

I went straight through the main patio
and found myself on a path curving around
I assumed correctly that this was
the fork I had previously started down

I passed several benches along side a creek
which meandered along the path before cascading
into a small pond
next to which there were two wooden chairs
the sort which are perfect for lounging in
with a good book and a drink

I was grinning from ear to ear
this was exactly the sort of place
I adore
where I can go to refresh my batteries
after a long day

I swung back around to peruse the menu
stashed a business card in my wallet
before thanking her and heading home
on the way out
I made a mental note of the surroundings
ensuring I could find my way back easily

over the ensuing weeks I would often escape there
mostly in the afternoons
to have a drink by the pond with my book
and just relax
be transported into my own special place

prior to this evening
I'd only gone there on my own
preferring to keep this for myself
a fortress of solitude

but tonight
I was hungry and not just for food

though previously delighted
by some of the appetizers

I had so far only feasted my eyes upon the entrees
so had decided
even before the thought of inviting her occurred to me
[although I suspect it was lurking in there somewhere]
that this was where I wanted to go
and once that was decided
she was who I wanted to share it with

she was heading the wrong direction
I stopped
whistled a catchy tune
till she realized I wasn't following her

she looked perplexed
I asked her where she was going
her response started out as a statement and ended up as a question

to the restaurant?

I grinned that special grin
we reserve for when someone is going the wrong way
and said

not that way you aren't, come

we headed the other direction
down a long driveway
through a gap in the fence at the end of it
ducking between some trees
weaving through the fountains in a park
before reaching the desired road
we chatted
I with charming nonchalance
she with some amount of suspicion
but I suspect she'd realized
that I wasn't the sort of boy
to reveal my mysteries so easily

so she followed along dutifully
until I turned onto the dirt road

you have to imagine
we've just walked away from the center of town
[where everything is located]
down a road which is half comprised of empty lots
and run down buildings
now I'm suggesting we walk down
a darkened dirt road
half overgrown with bushes

I'll give her credit
that she balked only in her mind
and even then only slightly

the only outward signs
a slight stutter in her step
and a glance up to read my face
reassuring herself that
that I had no ill intentions

at which point
I suspect the thought in her mind
was something along the lines of

in for a penny, in for a pound

we headed down the road
through the dark patch of night
and emerged into the parking lot
which was unlike that first night
empty of cars
so while I knew what it was
to her it could only have looked
like a deserted patch of ground
in the middle of nowhere

most women at this point
would probably be wondering
if they'd made a tragic miscalculation
and look for the nearest exit stage left
but if she did
I'll give her credit for covering it completely

I am not sure if the gate
and the subsequent path
did a whole lot to reassure her
but I got the feeling it did
as if she was able to feel the energy of the place
just as I had that first night
and realize
it was something special
I saw her taking in her surroundings
with growing amazement
but she didn't say anything until
the hostess came into view

at which point
I suspect any fears involving chainsaws or axes
had been assuaged

the hostess seated us
we ordered drinks
and I made small talk
while she absorbed the surroundings

it was then
with a laugh
with a smile
with the gleam in her eyes
that I
was transported back
almost 20 years

the table preserved by dignity
and disguised my intentions

it was
delightful and stimulating
serious and playful

exactly what I needed
and I got the feeling
she felt the same way
in other words


We stayed for several hours
and I walked her home around 1am
as she had to get up in the morning
and make a rather long trip to a prison
where she was to spend the day
interviewing prisoners

fortunately by that point
her lip gloss if not her spell
had mostly worn off
and I was fairly confident that I could stand
without making a fool of myself

we said goodnight
I told her to call me tomorrow
[now today]
when she got home
and I'd lend her those movies

and that brings you current

I expect she will call
in the next hour or two
as I said before
I don't wish to seem to be
preying on her relationship troubles
I'm rather smitten
I'd quite like to toss my hat into the ring

so to you
my dear ladies of Spain
I entrust my fate

do I come clean?
toss my hat (and heart) out there
and let
the devil do what he may with it?

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Wednesday, May 19th, 2010
8:44 am - Well fuck a duck
Apparently, the outlook.pst file on my computer with all of my contact information was corrupted and for some reason iTunes decided to overwrite (without prompting me) all the existing information on my iPhone with the information in that file.

As a result, I have a very long list of phone numbers with the associated information (name, address, email, birthday, etc) stripped away.

Not very useful.

Anyway, if yall would like me to have your contact info (Name, Phone, Address, Email, etc) please email me your contact info at plural@livejournal.com.


your plural

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Wednesday, May 12th, 2010
6:48 am - Tomorrow is the day
I fly out to Israel today to start the next chapter in my life.

I'm quite excited.

In typical plural fashion
I'm still finalizing where I'm going to stay when I get there
but I've got a hot date for the weekend
(with the girl in the red dress aka the math professor)

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Saturday, April 3rd, 2010
9:55 pm
Her scent echoes in my nostrils

the silk of her dress
haunts my fingertips
in the absence of other sensation

my eyes close in search of her smile
my ears tingle from her laugh

and my body yearns

to feel her curves
pressed against me
once more

the briefest encounter
a few hours
nothing more
yet burnt into my consciousness

the romantic whispers
the cynic scorns
the lover smiles

but I ignore their voices
content for this moment
to simply savor her

there is no need for reason
no need for practicality

no future
no past
no present

the memory pools
in a place without time

be content to simply
swim in her memory

a quote rings out
the bell strikes

"...the type of girl who can walk into a room and just stop your heart
then when she looks at you, start it back up again

do you know any girls like that?"

a simple response
a perfect resonance

"All of them."

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Friday, March 26th, 2010
11:14 am - You just have to tell the story right.
I find, particularly as a lover of words, that when telling a story
the most important thing is to find the path of the tale
so that it almost tells itself

a story should sweep the reader or listener along
if it requires too much explanation
or if the facts distract
then you should simplify it
smooth out the path
dredge the channel
remove the obstacles
so it can flow right along

or as my mother used to say

To tell the story right.
by which she meant
find the groove
draw the listener in
and send them hurtling down the path of the story

but part of that comes
with the realization that some stories
can never reach that marker
can never find that sweet spot

and so by way of example
I shall begin

This morning, I met this girl at an elementary school

wait, no, that sounds bad

I should clarify, I was at Grandparent's day festivities at an elementary school

not much of an improvement
the listener either assumes I was hitting on a grandmother or a kindergartner

you see what I mean

there just isn't a way
to tell the story
and keep the listeners mind in the channel
let alone retain any shred of one's dignity

no matter how one starts off

So I met this girl today... I was at an Elementary school

So I was at Grandparents day and I picked up this woman

I was flirting with this girl in Kindergarten

and god forbid a relationship were to come of it

"Oh so how did you guys meet?"

"Well, it is a funny story actually, I was trolling for chicks on Grandparent's day at an Elementary school"

Yeah, that's the story you recounted at your wedding, although, it'd be pretty funny watching someone try and tell that story as long as that someone wasn't you.

No matter how you start
How you preface
How you frame it

At some point
it is going to sound really really bad
good lord
if any part of it gets taken out of context
by someone walking by

it isn't going to be pretty

You see
however you start
the listeners mind has already raced ahead to places


places you don't want it going.

so in the end
you have to accept
that some stories just aren't meant to be told.
however delightful
however attractive
was the lovely lass

with all the above in mind
I laughed
I grinned
I smiled
and took my leave of her
before I could get into more trouble.

current mood: amused

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Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010
12:06 am - Peter Pan in the land of Oz
I've been avoiding this update long enough
just going to get it out there.

Saturday night, I behaved myself.

Well, actually, that isn't remotely true.

I did however decline to go out with the blonde again.

I was rescued from my melancholy by three lovely brunettes
who took me out to a large and raucous party
to distract me from my decision.

There was much drinking, dancing and other debaucheries

It was a goodness.


I think I'll just leave it there.

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Friday, February 19th, 2010
7:08 am - I've got to keep on moving...
I had a particularly vivid dream last night

it is of a place I've dreamt of often
not a place I've ever been too
not a place I've ever read about
not a place that even exists

but from time to time
my mind takes me there
in my dreams

it is strange
particularly because
it isn't really a single place
it is a series of places
a path that I'm following
none of which exist
nothing really remarkable
happens along the way
and usually the dream ends
shortly after I reach the destination

I've traveled there in my dreams
dozens of times
maybe once or twice a year
since I was
I don't know ten or eleven
perhaps younger
I'm not really sure


it always starts in the south
some nameless small town
in the Louisiana swamp

I will be dreaming somewhere else
and my dream will include a reason
a calling to go south
to go to somewhere nearby
never to that particular town
even though I do not know the name of it
in my travels I always end up there
whatever reason or plan
distracted and waylaid
by whatever has drawn me there

the first area is a place of bridges
highway bridges
modern bridges
all curving around up and above me
the bridges slowly change as I continue to walk
becoming older
concrete highway bridges
become green steel and wrought iron bridges

this particular dream happens
or should I say starts
the point of demarcation I suppose
when I see a bridge
pale green metal
with intricate scroll-work and ornamentation

the delicate design draws my eye
a willow tree drapes its leaves over the end
a bench sits overlooking the swamp
it is then I realize that it isn't a bridge
but a pier of sorts
as the bridge doesn't connect to anything
it just ends
right in the middle of the swamp

though moments ago
I walked under dozens of bridges
they are all gone now
it is the trans-formative moment
and I realize I'm alone in the swamp
just me
looking up at this beautiful and ornate
bridge to nowhere

I'm somewhat startled but not afraid
and I imagine that it would be nice
to sit up there
on that bench
and watch the world go by

so I start to examine the bridge more closely
looking for a way up
it is then I notice
that off in the distance
the other end of the bridge
also doesn't go anywhere
it just ends

just a span of bridge
seemingly built from one empty point in the sky
to another

I can't see any way to go up
so I shrug and move on

the next area
I have started calling Atlantis
it starts shortly down the path
at first it is barely visible
grown over
peeking out from a consuming swamp

doric columns
roman arches
statues of gods and goddess

as I continue traveling deeper into the swamp
the ruins become less consumed, more bright
the columns stand freely and shine brightly
instead of lying broken on the ground
mostly covered in moss

it is odd however
because the arrangement
isn't like a city
isn't like there were ever buildings
it feels like a graveyard
it feels like an afterlife
where beautiful sculpted objects
go when they die

but the place is empty
there is nothing there
but the path yet winding forward

I pause for a moment
looking at the pieces of temples
the history misplaced here

have little choice
but to mosey on

the next area
I call the land of glass
and it is here
that if you're not careful
the path will disappear

the ground changes
from green swamp
water and mud

to white
smooth flawless white
like a glen covered in snow
but the ground is solid
glazed over with a glassy feel
not slick but smoothly textured

off in the distance
but not so far away
you can see the swamp surrounding it
it is a small area
filled with shapes
hanging ornaments

birds and other small animals
pyramids and stars

all seeming made from ice
either clear or white
or some gradual transition between the two

but while cool to the touch
they are not cold
they are not ice

my mind says glass
but the texture is wrong

I continue walking
slowing examining
the different objects
near the path

and then
I do not so much as leave
this area
as it fades away
and I'm on a country lane
the path is wider now
straighter even
but calling it a road
would be overly generous

along the sides
overgrown in the grass
are rusted pieces of machinery
ancient tractors
and many that I can't identify

I'm so fascinated
by this obviously human detritus
that I don't see them at first
or perhaps they were hiding
to see if I was a threat
I'm not entirely sure
but this is the land of the freaks

misshapen people
gruesome in their deformity
but again not threatening in the least
their demeanor is timid
but seemingly kindly

I recognize quickly
that they have more to fear from me
than I do from them

at first
I see only glimpses of them
hidden in the shadows at the edge of the trees
then they seem to be inspecting me
as I continue down the lane
finally having determined I'm no threat
they seemingly go about their business
shuffling in and out of the shadows
doing whatever needs to be done
in their minds

at the end of the lane
there are massive wrought iron gates
ornate and rusting
hanging slightly open
one side obviously fallen to disrepair

between the rust and the overgrowth
it seems clear that moving the gates
would require herculean effort
but fortunately
the space between them
is enough for me to slip through

on the other side is a graveyard
massive willow trees loom
at evenly spaced intervals
shading mausoleums and markers alike

some of the doors hang open
my curiosity urges me to explore
the dark spaces beyond
to go down into the tombs
somehow I know
that a vast catacombs runs under the grounds
I want very much to explore it

but that is not why I am here
that is not what beckoned me to this place
no, I am pulled elsewhere
and I know exactly where I must go

I turn to my left
at first following the wrought iron fence
weaving my way through massive yet almost overgrown
the moss and vines
almost entirely obscuring
the names and dates carved on them

I can tell they are old
ancient even
without even reading the dates
I can feel my destination
spurring me on
I'm getting close now

hurry boy hurry
hurry boy hurry

you're almost there now

I pass under a large willow tree
part the draping branches
and the world opens up again
there is a small clearing
bordered by what is almost a lake
if you can call it that in a swamp
an area of water
somehow clear of the normal growth
the trees and debris
not far off
you can see the swamp encroaching
but for now this pond, lake or whatever you wish to call it
has withstood its advances

on the shore
there is a building
fairly non-descript
but of an old design
wooden and two stories high
the paint has peeled almost entirely away

it was a beautiful and spectacular sight once
and someone put great care into building it
making it appear festive and inviting
definitely not a place for dull activities
but that was long ago
and for all purposes it seems long abandoned

as I walk toward it
the state of disrepair seems almost intentional
almost manicured
something is peculiar
then I notice it
it isn't overgrown
not in the least

while the influence of man may have faded
nature has not returned
the lawn
once lush and green
is now brown
but remains perfectly manicured

no vines or moss
grow on the building

it is a place
weathered by time but
untouched by nature

even dust seems to have forgiven it
the usual accumulation
the front windows are painted over
but no dust is upon them
no spider have built webs
across the beams

a slight humming is evident
as I step on to the front porch
as I reach for the door
the slightest hint of music

this changes rapidly
the moment I start to open the door
the music becomes clear
the paint spreads out from the opening
refreshing the exterior
vibrant colors
delicate murals
a wave of color that washes time itself
from the facade

the music is festive
the style cajun from years past
it reminds me of new orleans
I walk through the open door
and I am in a luxurious foyer
red silk on the walls
gas lamps flickering
as if playing a game of shadows
with the flowers and paintings in the room

it is dark now
the sun setting the moment my foot
crossed the threshold
as I close the door behind me
echos of laughter and mirth
filter in from the rooms abroad
the door latches
a bell rings
and a pleasant woman
perhaps in her forties
comes bustling out to welcome me

"There you are, we've been expecting you for ages"

she leads me into a side room
a large desk dominates the room
a cross-board of small cubbyholes built into the wall behind it
I can see keys in the cubbyholes
a hotel then
very well

I sign my name
she hands me a key
our fingers brush
or rather
they should have
but where contact should have been
there simply wasn't

I take the key
she says

"Up the stairs and to the right, I've laid out clothes for you once you've bathed"

the room and the directions to it
are the only thing that ever changes in the dream
well only significant thing
the only obvious change

in the dream I know it has changed
I remember being assigned a different room

as I walk up the stairs
I remember doing it before

as I open the door to my room
I glance down the hall
and remember opening a different door

I've been here before
I've been here many times

and it is then
that memory rushes forward
but incompletely
and only in reverse

floods of memories wash over me
each time I have traveled that path
each time exactly the same
until this point
until I opened the door
and from there


I can remember arriving here
dozens of times

I can remember standing in front of
and many different doors in this hallway

but nothing beyond that

nothing after that
turning the key in the lock
is where my memory ends

for the first time in the dream
I am afraid

if I've been here before
if I can so vividly remember
coming here
walking that wondrous path

what happens
on the other side of the door

that my mind must erase
that my mind refuses to let me remember

with some trepidation
I open the door
and step through

the scene before me
is as unexpected and surprising
not to mention somewhat bewildering
as I could expect

well, I suppose that isn't true

in fact, after all the build up in my mind
crossing that threshold
was startling and disturbing
only in that it was so

completely and impeccably

it is a room
complete with bed, dresser, storage chest
two doors which I assume lead to a closet and a bath
a nightstand with a candle lantern

the decor is rich, lavish even
the style is reminiscent of a saloon
but is almost opulent enough
to make me suspect brothel

on the top of the chest
sits a neatly folded set of clothes
a pair of shoes
brightly polished and of an old design
sparkle next to them.

I glance around
taking the room in
it is different than the other rooms
I've stayed in
this I can tell
but I still can't recall what they were like

everything is as it should be
or at least that is the feeling which pervades me
but I am troubled

why could I not remember
why can I still not remember those other rooms
save to know this one is different

what was I blocking out
one simply doesn't have that vivid a memory
to have it snap shut without a reason

no, vivid memories fade away gracefully
details slowly dripping off them
until the scene is too vague to imagine

I notice something, well no, I saw it before
I was just too wrapped up in the anti-climax of the expected
my mind had whipped itself up
readied its defenses
for whatever was inside this room
only to find nothing

so when I first scanned the room
I saw it
but it seemed so normal as to defy notice
my mind was still searching for the bizarre
for the amazing
for the threatening

above the dresser was a mirror
set in a frame with two tiny drawers for jewelry and the like
the usual sort of thing I suppose
wedged between the glass of the mirror and the frame
was a small piece of paper
folded in half
and with my name written familiarly on the outside

I walk over to it
slip it from its nested place
and open it

written in my own hand
are the words

"Don't Panic"

The storyteller in me
sitting here writing this now
realizes and wants very much
to end the dream here
it has punch
a snappy ending

sure, the phrase is Douglas Adams
but it makes sense to appear here
as I've been a fan since I was a small boy
and in my mind
I've definitely associated it
with trans-formative processes

the world is about to change
don't panic, you'll be fine
it also has the opposite effect
when I say it to myself
than one would expect
if you said it to someone else

reminding myself not to panic
calms me down
reestablishes my conscious mind's control
lets me accept what is to come
with my usual grace and aplomb
and make swift rational decisions

this however is not the reaction
this note inspires

usually when I'm telling myself not to panic
it is because everyone else is panicking
and quite frankly, it is the normal reaction

something has gone badly wrong
the shit has hit the fan
and I'm reminding myself
that only a clear head and good decisions
will get me out unscathed

this note
in this place
at this time
definitely not one of those situations

my mind races
why would I be panicking?
why would I tell myself not to panic

my mind wanders to the closet
that old childhood fear re-surging

the monster in the closet

I remember now in past visits
checking the closet
and finding it unremarkably empty
and my adult persona scoffs at the suggestion
deep in my animal mind
unease lurks
uncertainty whispers

bah, I say out loud
dismissing the idea
I'm far too old to be timidly
checking closets and peeking under the bed
for monsters

there is light under the other door
so I assume it is the bathroom
I discard the train of thought
as an overactive imagination
toss the note onto the dresser
and head into the other room

surprise surprise
it is indeed the bathroom
a hot bath is drawn
steaming and inviting

a plush towel
lying folded nearby
removes any lingering uncertainty

so I do what anyone would do
in such a situation

I got undressed and step in the bath

the scene is brief
mostly just the feeling of warmth
soaking in the bath

then I'm drying off
and getting dressed

the clothes provided
are simply but elegant
and quite comfortable

I check myself in the mirror
determine I'm suitably coiffed

and head downstairs

I enter the lounge
a western style saloon
with a distinct cajun flavor

the room is large
obviously consisting of most of the ground floor
I walk up to the bar
and order a drink

the bartender slides me
a glass of bourbon
the glass is thick bottomed
short and wide
a couple of ice cubes clink
as I pick it up

I turn
rest my back against the bar
taking in the scene before me

there is maybe twenty people in the room
like myself
dressed in period clothing

the women outnumber the men
the only male customers
are a small group of men
playing poker at a table
off to one side of the room

the word


rises again to the forefront of my mind
as if my mind is confirming my earlier suspicions

but it just doesn't click
doesn't resonate

If it looks like a duck
If it quacks like a duck
It is probably a duck

somehow I know
that isn't a sufficient label

up until this point
save the room assignment
the dream never varies

it always varies

it rather feels like the dream
ends here

not that I wake up or dream a different dream
just that like my usual dreams
I finally take a more active role

where up to this point
I seemed almost a passenger
now I'm in the drivers seat

the next thing that happens
is always the same
but the who
changes every time

one of the lasses
comes up to me
and invites me to dance

her smile is warm
her manner inviting
but her hand is cold
as if she is barely there

sometimes I accept her offer
and we end up dancing the night away

sometimes I decline
choosing instead to play some cards
although she'll usually end up
sitting on my lap
or somewhere as similarly intimate and nearby
chatting while I play

sometimes I postpone
and we head out to the dock
trolling our toes in the water

the what of my decision
seems to matter little
whatever scene plays out
is fairly short
fairly uneventful

save for one realization
she and everyone else here
are shadows

I can touch them
and they can touch me
but it seems only if they concentrate

there has only been one instance
of this dream
where this wasn't the case
and even then
it was only one person
who was corpeal, like myself

she came at the end
where the scene would normally fade out
shifting into dreamless sleep
she took my hand
it wasn't until that moment
I realize how cold I had been
how cold it was here

the warmth radiated from her

I started to speak
but she put her finger to my lips
and lead me upstairs

we entered my room
she playfully pushed me on to the bed
leaned forward and kissed me

the world spun
my heart pounded
my soul swooned
my consciousness swirled
like water down the drain
and into the depth of sleep

I fell.

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Monday, November 2nd, 2009
11:13 pm - So sick of love songs
I had a rough dream last night
its been haunting me today

its funny
my dreams

don't function like yours
at least not as they've been explained
to me
by others

my dreams are either

cognitive experiences
where I work through something
checking out possible outcomes
a thought workshop


intensely delusional experiences
which surround me like a cloak
a cloak of purity

pure bliss
pure horror
pure joy
pure self loathing

taking me back to that moment
wrapping me in it entirely


stuck in the middle
strapped to a chair
reliving my past
a helpless observer
watching myself
knowing what comes next
unable to alter the course

And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?

this dream
was the last type

I dreamt of her
I dreamt of us

it was wonderful
it was terrible

it always leaves me drained
of late
I've been particularly



so something like this
just takes me to a place
that I really can't handle

thats not true
I can handle anything

that is
at my essence
who I am
someone who can handle everything

but dammit
I just don't want to anymore

I'm tired
so damn tired of being that guy

I'm tired of being perfect
I'm tired of being broken
I'm tired of being me

I don't talk about it
I'm worn down

they always told me
it gets better with time

they are full of shit

every morning
it gets harder
not easier

Gotta fix that calender I have
That's marked July 15th
Because since there's no more you
There's no more anniversary
I'm so fed up with my thoughts of you
And your memory
And how every song reminds me
Of what used to be

every morning
I have to justify
why I'm still here
find a reason to get out of bed
find a reason

not to jump off a bridge
not to disappear
not to simply cease

I fantasize about being somewhere else
being someone else
being anything else

and then
my reason kicks in
my obligations
bring me home

my obligations
are the only reason
I'm still here

I can't escape them

I guess that is what makes me
the guy who can handle anything
whatever happens
my obligations come first

they are all I have left
that and drinking

drinking so I can unclench my heart
unclench my mind
unclench my fist

just be normal

put the past behind me
be present
be lighthearted
be fun

That's the reason I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?

I don't have a problem with alcohol
I have a problem without alcohol

don't get me wrong
this isn't one of the twelve steps

I've checked all the symptom lists
I'm not an alcoholic
I'm just a broken man

Sure, I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol
but so what
I have an unhealthy relationship
with myself
with you
with life

what makes alcohol so special?

that it is my drug of choice
is simply a function of convenience

well to be honest
alcohol isn't my drug of choice

it is one of them

the other is women
and mmm damn
what a drug they are

I've been celibate now
for about six weeks
which marks the longest time
I've ever gone without having sex
since I started having sex

no no no
this isn't some new thing
I just needed a break
I had too much woman insanity in my life
I took my birthday sex
enjoyed the hell out of it
called the game on account of rain

I've also mostly
gone without alcohol

the occasional drink
but not the sort of drinking
you all know and love
the sort of drinking
I'm famous for

in fact

is the first time
since my birthday
I've even gotten remotely drunk

but don't read too much into it

I haven't sworn off women or drinking
there will be plenty of that to come

at some point anyway

right now
I'm not doing much of anything

I went over a month without shaving
(not that anyone noticed)
finally shaved last night
it felt good

is it strange that the act of shaving
can feel so cathartic

and I watched the newest Dexter episode
the other night
and I really identified with him
during the parts dealing with his marriage
and sharing with people

[on a side note, should I be worried that I identify with a serial killer?]

there was one scene in particular
where he is in his head
trying to open up
to share with his wife

and he's thinking in his head
about what to say
what to share
and he thinks

"Do people really do this"

I've never been completely open with anyone
save Charlie

hell I've never even been mostly open with anyone
save her

and well
I couldn't save her
I couldn't save Charlie

so what good did it do?

Leave me alone
Stupid love song
Leave me alone
Dont make me think about her smile
Or having my first child
Let it go
Turning off the radio

I can do anything
I can do everything
but I can't protect my women
but I can't save them

of course
Charlie had an advantage

she met me when I was just paranoid
before I had reason to be

she met me when I still
not pure
not innocent

but perhaps

my nightmares
the events in them
most occurred after her
I didn't have as much to hide
I sure as hell had not spent as much time lying
the last fifteen years
have contained, have required
more lying than I would like

but then?
The worst I could be accused of
was being overzealous
in the defense of those I loved

so while
she didn't approve
of much of my past
there wasn't as much there

it crushes me
to imagine
what she would think
of the man I've been
of the man I've become

I don't think I could look her in the face
that I could meet her eyes
if she was here, alive, today

the only comfort I have in this regard
is the hope that maybe
in death, she can see into my heart
into my thoughts
and understand

I can only hope she knows all of it
because if I had to look into her eyes
I could not bring myself to admit it to her
I could not bring myself to be honest with her

so yeah

I've never been a particularly honest person



but never particularly honest

of course
in life's most beautiful perversity
the most honest moments of my life
are those that people refuse to believe

my biggest lies pass without question
my most sincere truths are constantly doubted

and women expect me to believe them
women expect me to trust them
to open up to them

fuck that

humanity believes what it wants to believe
so I feed you want you want to hear
you don't want to see my ugliness
you don't want to taste my horror
I give you the pass
the easy lie
the comforting answer
because dammit I need you

I hate myself for it
what can I do

Isn't a large part of a relationship
giving the person you love what they want
even if they do not know it?
saving them from what they don't want

some may say I'm doing it wrong
they may be right
but I justify it
because I don't keep the present
[usually anyway]
[and never anything relating to the commitments of the relationship]
from anyone

just the past
just my past

that is right
it is my past

they have no right to it
you have no right to it
if you press
if you insist

fuck you

it is mine
I'll share or not
tell the truth or not

what gives you the right
what gives you the right

to stand there
to judge me
to dig deeper into me

I do enough of that for both of us

why should I bother
you won't believe the truth
so why should I give it to you

so I turn to the lie
to save you
to save me
to save us

from the awkwardness of the truth
from that uncomfortable pause
from the change in the way you look at me

Cuz I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?

my soon to be brother in law
was thinking about a less than legal business proposition
he came to me first
and I said, I wasn't interested
but as long as he was careful
and didn't let it roll back on my family
I wouldn't oppose it

so he went around
talking to people
and everywhere got the same answer

"Sorry, can't help you, you're dating [my name]'s sister"

So he went to a mutual friend of ours
and asked

"Who the hell is [my name] anyway? Why is everyone afraid of him?"

I have a past

it isn't pretty
but it also isnt who I am now

at least I hope I'm still not that guy
it could just be
that I haven't been provoked
or that
I've gotten better at dealing with things

especially in Seattle
I'll always be

the guy who used the hammer

so what do you want to know?

who I am?

fuck, even I don't know that

who I was?

will that really help you sleep at night?

even cute questions

where did you get that scar?

you just shouldn't ask
you just don't want to know

just stay in the present
just be here with me now
enjoy what we have
enjoy what we do
dig into things

because I hate lying to you
because I hate hiding from you
because I will do it anyway

sure, I have cute answers
sure, I have quaint stories

the long scar on the inside of my right forearm

supposedly a childhood accident
isn't so quaint
isn't so cute
in truth

the three circular scars
on the inside of my left forearm
I'll tell you a story
I'll tell you about boys being boys
drunken foolishness

the other scars
those visible
those invisible
those that have healed
those that haven't

I'll tell you whatever story
you need to hear
except the truth

I am not a monster
I have been a monster
I am capable of being so again
but I choose not to

is that what you want to know?
will that help you sleep at night?

I just

don't understand
what you want from me

don't understand
how to give it to you

emotional availability
one of my ex's said to me
that I simply wasn't

I posted about it recently
saying she was right
and she was
I do not know what it means
what I could have done differently
how I could have been available

that I suppose
is my problem encapsulated

I know where I am
I know where I've been

I just don't know what to do about it
I don't have the tools to deal with it

sure, I can handle it
I can put in it a box
I can manage
I can survive

but fuck
it never gets better
so whats the point

all there is, is loss
I don't have anything left to do

just things left to lose
just people left to lose
just memories left to lose

I realized today
and I suppose
this more than anything
is the cause of my current state

that I can't remember the sound
of Charlies voice anymore

I used to be able to
I used to be able to

an auditory illusion sure
one I've lost

I could close my eyes
and hear her say "I love you"

I could close my eyes
and hear her say "Indeed"

and now
I can't

I lost her
and now I'm losing her memory
I'm losing the particulars
it is only the pain which hasn't faded

The craziness of my life
makes keeping ahold of possessions
in running away from her, from her death

I avoided things which reminded me of her
and as might be expected lost them

I've lost the records of us

the photos of our adventures
the videotape of her laughing and dancing
The tapes she made for me
her voice talking to me between the songs
telling me why she picked this song
telling me what she was thinking about

and now I'm losing the memories
not the facts
but the feelings
the tastes
the echoes of her
that let me connect to her
let me connect to us

all I have left of her
is my deteriorating memories
and a single photograph
she would have hated

is that what they mean
by things getting better with time
if so
fuck them

forgetting doesn't make it better
it makes it worse

fuck it

I am alone
I need another drink

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Thursday, September 10th, 2009
11:03 pm - Wave your hands in the air if you just don't care
Was in the middle of a discussion
on one of the political forums I frequent
when I was struck by just how little I cared

not only did I not care if the other person understood
I didn't even care if I had made my point, well or not at all

this is unusual for me

usually my pride, my vanity requires such


I suffer from excess
ennui plagues my spirit

I've always thought

was an interesting name for an affliction

and while
I realize it refers to something else
I'm going to appropriate it for myself here

as I've been on something of a



and consumption
or rather the excess of it
seems my only distraction

stuck in limbo
waiting for my papers to come through

or that, I tell myself, is my excuse


I think perhaps
it has more to do with mothers death
than I would like to believe

the craving for intimacy
the craving for affection
is much stronger than usual

my appetites have been both
ravenous and sated

but it seems satisfaction
never outlasts the dawn
I awake vacant once again

as you all know
I dislike counting
when it comes to women

I feel it trivializes
whatever meaning an encounter may possess

but lately
I've been the one trivializing
but lately
I've been the lesser man

but lets just say
that in the past month
I'd get pretty deep into toes
were I to start counting

which is an excess
even for me

Now granted
some have been different
less desperate
less empty

I reconnected briefly
with an ex
and while my hunger exceeded me
there was in my mind
some value there
a link back to a better time
a connection to real intimacy
even if only for a few moments

on the other hand
at the other extreme
the three day date girl
which was really
just a bender with a double helping of self delusion

a case of gluttony wrapped in lust
a three day excess of food, drink, woman and beauty

an altar built of pride
accepts only empty sacrifices

I am lost

I am angry

I am hurting

and I haven't a clue where to begin

I feel hollowed out
a canoe of a man
floating aimlessly without a paddle

despite my best attempts
and several thousand dollars in bar bills
distraction has failed me

my heart feels encased
in a cactus turned inside out
where even the slightest touch
causes severe pain
as the spines are pushed deeper

when mother passed
I told myself I didn't have to deal with it all
today, tomorrow or even the next day
some part of it must be addressed

but which
but how

are questions I cannot answer

I suppose it can only be called a tribute
that I never realized how much I relied upon my mother
not necessarily her actions
as, in all honesty, we had our difficulties
simply being reassured
by her existence

even though I chose to hide much of my life from her
even though I chose to spend so much time apart

it that was enough
that she was there
and now
she is not

I am despondent

I've tried so very hard
to seek refuge in other women's arms
retreating to my old standby
trading sex for intimacy


quite lets you forget
like the embrace of a woman

wrapped in her kisses
you have no failures

wrapped in her arms
you have no weaknesses

wrapped in her thighs
you have no tragedies

and now
even that seems to fail me

it is as if the casual woman
cannot reach me
I desperately need
someone who can

(9 comments | comment on this)

Friday, September 4th, 2009
9:57 pm - Something about the girl
So I've been thinking
quite a bit this week.

you see
I've had two more dates with the girl
and they fell pretty flat
pretty much as I expected

one could argue
that with expectations like that
it was bound to happen
after giving it a lot of thought
there was something nagging me
in the back of my head

some part of me
disapproving of myself

I was amazed
during our extended first date
just how comfortable she felt
how familiar
how "right"
in my arms

and I suspect it was the copious amounts of alcohol
we were consuming which allowed me to ignore
the reason why

In many ways
she was a copy of Charlie

from her sense of style
to her body type
to the years she spent dancing
to many other little things

in a way
it felt like having her back

which I suspect
is what my mind was nagging me about

that it is too good to be true
because you're just fooling yourself

My feelings on the subject are mixed

On one hand, I've taken great pains to avoid women
who remind me much of Charlie
I have always thought it unfair to them and unfair to me

so I'm disappointed in myself
for not recognizing it sooner

on the other hand
we had a fantastic time
she had a fantastic time
we both knew going into it
that there wasn't much chance of a future
she'll never read this so

I do not see an opportunity for her to be hurt by my actions.

Which to some extent lets me let myself off the hook
I'm still not very happy with myself for not being more self-aware
but I did have a great time, she had a great time
and no one got hurt.

so there is only so much I'm willing to castigate myself for.

though I have to wonder

will I ever move past my baggage
will the things I carry around
ever hurt less
ever affect me less

do I want them to?

I really don't know.

I am in the middle of a long and deeply thoughtful series of emails
with an ex of mine
one of the things she mentioned
is that I was entirely unavailable emotionally during our relationship

while I'm not sure if I buy entirely
as I did love her deeply then and still do now harbor great affection for her
but to a large extent she is correct

I was mostly unavailable in the emotional context

now granted, my relationship with her predates this journal
this journal was in many ways the beginning of me finally trying to deal
with all the shit I had buried away for so long

nine years after starting this journal
I would like to think things are different
that I am capable of being more available emotionally
given that Sam was the only serious relationship I've had in years
I can't really rely on her perception
in so far as honest feedback
I can't really know.

I suppose
going back to the original point of this post

I am most disturbed
that some part of me
is still desperately seeking Charlotte.

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Friday, August 28th, 2009
2:03 am - so
it is just after two am
my driver just dropped me off at home
[I was too drunk to drive]
[and I suspect it wasn't entirely alcohol]

I dropped her off at home
around 11:30pm
as I have a conference call at 4am

and I have to say
as first dates go
it was pretty awesome

I was headed home
and realized I wasn't ready to sleep
so I stopped and had some drinks with friends

we finally had sex
[her and I, not my friends]
this afternoon
it was good
more than good
being inside her
for as long as I live
[I'm just a romantic like that]
I'll remember how it felt
my hands grasping her hip bones
feeling her surround me

most of the women who read this
and even I suspect some of the men
may not understand
women, physically, are different

some women, physically, aren't exciting to be inside
most women, are quite lovely
some women
[and I suspect the who varies from guy to guy]
are nothing short of spectacular
from the first moment inside them
it seems like nothing in the world
will ever be the same again


she was one of those girls

forget the hours we spent chatting
forget how much we laughed
forget all the conversations
the moment I slipped inside her
I was awed

in my life
as varied and blessed as it has been
I've only fucked three women like her

and I don't mean her personality
[although that was great]
nor do I mean that she was hot
[which she was]
or even that she was skillful in bed
[which she was]
but rather
that being inside her
that simple act
that simple feeling
was beyond words

it felt
quite frankly
that she was made
for no other reason
than for me to have sex with her

my performance
I'll admit was mediocre
it was all I could do
to last twenty minutes

of course
I was ready to come within
thirty seconds of pentrating her
twenty minutes is pretty spectacular

but that is neither here nor there

the point I was making
is that women are different
feel different
not all are equal

in my life
I've had a fair amount of sex
from time to time
it is just plain awful

but for the most part
I greatly enjoy it

but sometimes
but sometimes

I wish only that I could identify
whatever it is that makes it so
as I'd forever spend my time
only chasing those women
seem like god made them
with my cock in mind

and she
was one of those women

in my life
in the almost two decades I've been sleeping with women
I've only met three
like her
one I asked to marry me
one I dated for 4 years
her I just met

some might consider this
way too much information
I'll abreviate it for their sake
lets just say
I painted the wall
on the other side of the room

right now
I'm feeling quite sated
giddy even

but in all honesty
I suspect this to be a case
of two ships passing in the night

I told her I would call her tomorrow
and that I shall do
but really
I think we (and I) blew our load
in one passionate and furtive streak of infatuation

I know, however much a romantic I may be
that I haven't a clue what to do next

how do you follow up
a date that starts monday evening
and ends late thursday night

after that
what do you do?

short of a proposal
[which isn't forthcoming]
[at least from me]
I can't think of anything
that wouldn't seem a dissapointment.

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Wednesday, August 26th, 2009
9:35 am - It always happens
when you least expect it.

I am at this precise moment
thirty six hours into
the best first date
I can remember having in a decade

we met monday evening
got riproariously drunk
I couldn't drive, she couldn't walk
so I got a room at the westin
and we crashed out

woke up and had a lazy breakfast around 11
slipped over to her place so she could change and wash up
then went out for a late lunch
and spent the rest of the day
slipping from one cafe to another
drinking, talking and eating tasty munchies

before retiring to my house
for blissfull sleep

it has all been rather innocent actually
we've spent two night sleeping together
naked in each others arms
but after the first night
where the southern gentleman in me
decided she was too drunk to sleep with

[it is actually an ego thing]
[not sure my fragile ego could handle]
[a woman falling asleep during sex]

and in the morning
deciding to take it as it comes
exploring touch and intimacy

she feels brand new yet pleasantly familiar.
several of the lovely and random people
we've encounter about town
mistook us for a couple well into a relationship
rather than someone on their first date

she is a former ballerina
speaks four or five languages
has travelled a fair amount
she has no compunction about interrupting me
when I am babbling on, or just about whenever

she just got a job offer in new york
starting the 1st of october
and I am moving to Israel
sometime in september
so we aren't talking too much about the future
instead just being here, together, now

I'm quite pleased
the expectations I didn't have
have been quite exceeded

and now
as she looks entirely too delicious
wrapped only my sheets on the other side of the room
I will depart
and see if I can't nuzzle her awake
as to discover what fun and mischief awaits us today

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